strange

i dont feel too good. like some "feel it in the air" type shit. Man, i don't know. my heart is worried. I'm constantly on edge and always expecting the worst. Not in general, but with my familiy. I swear like, every time I get a call from my mom or brother or dad, I say a quick prayer. its usually "Lord God please dont let it be something bad" or "please dont let it be somebody died" and i mentioned before, I always have crazy dreams. I feel like I wont stop feeling like this until my fears are confirmed. The fact that (wipes eyes) when I was in middle school, one night we were all asleep & my aunt called to tell us that my cousin had committed suicide, the phone kept ringing and ringing & i didnt feel like answering it but I did, and we had to get that news, doesnt help.
The fact that when the best person to ever live was taken away from me, I heard the phone ring, and I knew it was a call to say my grandmother was dead, definitely doesnt help
it doesnt help that for a period of time, i kept getting phone calls while I was at school to tell me some sad news, extended family members passed away
and it definitely doesnt help that my brother called me one morning in Feb to tell me my grandfather was dead! my grandmother died in Feb too.
I hate that month.
I'm so scared. My biggest biggest worries/thoughts right now are that something is going to happen to my brother or that my father's health is gonna take a turn 4 the worst
why do I have all of these negative thoughts?
I cry alot just thinking about it, but it doesnt go away. I've jus had a really bad feeling for a really long time.
once, I had to call my daddy at work because I had a dream he died
the same for my brother. and the dream that his hands got cut off.
what does it all mean?
maybe I'm like this because they have my heart and so did my grandmother. and she's gone, so maybe i'm so afraid of something happening to them
but actually I worry about my mother too. and the rest of my family. and even myself
maybe I need, i dont even know. Im just gonna keep praying. I need mental peace cuz right now, my mind is...